Having an only child is the maternal equivalent of putting all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. Additional children give you the chance for a do-over or two; with only one, that’s exactly how many chances you get to get the whole parenting thing right. I look back on the trail I embarked upon 32 years ago, and I see it littered with the weeds and stones of my mistakes and missteps. Occasionally I’ll spot a bit of something shiny. I hope it’s a marker for a good decision made, or the right thing said at the right time. Yet, in spite of my occasional impatience and bursts of short-temper, the young man standing at the edge of this path—my son—is the brightest thing shining there. He’s a terrific person with a great good heart, and he’s at a crossroads. He’s getting married soon to a beautiful young woman with a great good heart of her own. I have just one chance to get this whole mother-of-the-groom thing right. Over the years, through trial-and-error, I’ve learned a thing or 11 about what it takes to make a relationship work. I’d like to share these bits of wisdom with him now—12 things he should know before his wedding day.
Never take her—or anything—for granted. Be grateful every day for the life you have and the love you’ve found.
Do something nice for her every day, and thank her for something at least once a day.
Remember that marriage is not a competition except for this one thing: try to out-love one another.
Embrace her neuroses. That is, should she have any.
Respect her. Respect her. Respect her.
Communicate with one another clearly, calmly, and constantly.
Listen to what she has to say, and put yourself in her shoes while she’s saying it.
Make time for each other.
Be in the moment when you’re together. Concentrate on one another, not on your work or your smart phone.
Hold hands every chance you get.
Make love with one another as often as you can.
Put the toilet seat down and pick up your clothes from the floor.
If your 12- or 13-year-old child or grandchild were being bullied, would you want her to hear a YA author–one who had herself been bullied–speak about hope and survival? Even if she wrote a novel about bullying that had the word “ass” in the title?
Students in the seventh and eighth grade at Cumberland Middle School in Virginia missed out on the chance to hear award-winning author Meg Medina address them at a school-sponsored anti-bullying event–one to which she had been enthusiastically invited–because of the title of her highly praised new novel, Yaqui Delgado Wants to Kick Your Ass (Candlewick Press). The book features bullying as its central theme, and occasionally uses language that Medina–and a bullying expert–say kids use to torment their victims.
Medina, of Richmond, was invited in March by the principal of Cumberland Middle School to speak in advance of National Bullying Prevention Month in October. Less than three weeks before the September 17 event, he sent her an email canceling her talk. The reason? Concern over how some members of the community might react to her book’s title. Ironically, September 22 is the start of Banned Book Week sponsored by the American Library Association.
The drumbeat of concern was actually rumbling for a few days. Prior to receiving the principal’s summary cancellation, a school official sent Medina a message, asking — at the principal’s request — that she refrain from mentioning the full title of her book, not use “offensive language,” and not show the book’s cover.
Here is an excerpt from Medina’s response to the school, which she posted on her website’s blog:
For me to come to your school and distance myself from my work feels disrespectful of me as an author, but worse, it feels dishonest in dealing with the students, most especially those who are on the receiving end of harassment that already makes them feel ashamed. If I refuse to even name my book or tell them that the title comes from hearing those awful words firsthand, I would only be adding to that shame. … I believe that one way we adults can help is to acknowledge the reality of what our kids are experiencing…
Medina did suggest a compromise. Perhaps the school could send a letter home to the parents about her upcoming appearance and her books? Parents who would find the material offensive could opt out.
No deal. The door slammed shut after the Labor Day weekend.
When asked if she had intended to read from Yaqui Delgado during her presentation at Cumberland, she says: “I don’t typically read from my books when I do school visits. If anything, I’ll read a page. I speak about writing, and the kinds of books I write — books with strong Latina characters. I tell the kids what my books are, and that I write for all age groups, and then I launch into the focus of the session.”
The title of Yaqui Delgado Wants to Kick Your Ass comes from the novel’s opening line, a message delivered by Yaqui Delgado’s lackey to Piddy Sanchez, the book’s 15-year-old protagonist. Piddy is new at the school. She has no idea who Yaqui Delgado is or why she wants to hurt her. The book, praised in the Washington Post as “richly developed” and “unflinching,” includes a harrowing example of cyber-bullying.
YA Author Meg Medina
The child of Cuban immigrants, Medina grew up in Queens, where for two years, starting in the seventh grade, she endured the trauma of bullying. She calls that time a “fight for my dignity.” It is “the shard of experience” that inspired Yaqui Delgado.
The Issue of Censorship
Acacia O’Connor coördinates the Kids’ Right to Read Project in New York City for the National Coalition Against Censorship and its joint sponsor, the American Booksellers’ Foundation. She says that the NCAC is seeing many instances of censorship of late, particularly with respect to uses of profanity. “We work on a new case about once a week,” she says. “Since August 1st of this year, ten new challenges or issues involving schools and libraries have come to our attention.” O’Connor recently wrote about Medina’s situation on the NCAC blog:
At the heart of [cancellations such as Medina’s] lies the belief that we can clean up the world by erasing the parts some people dislike.
O’Connor says that author Judy Blume, a NCAC board member, brought the Medina-Cumberland County Schools issue to her attention, calling Blume a “guardian angel” to YA authors who are going through these controversies.
“I think it’s regrettable that there has been so much lead-up and enthusiasm surrounding [Medina’s] talk,” says O’Connor, “especially with her expertise and familiarity with the topic of bullying. It’s unfortunate that students won’t be able to hear her wonderful message because of a misunderstanding over the use of a particular … word.”
A Bullying Expert Weighs In Dr. Dewey Cornell, a forensic clinical psychologist and Bunker Professor of Education in the Curry School of Education at the University of Virginia, is a national expert on bullying. He directs the Youth Violence Project at UVA and serves as a program director of Youth-Nex, the university’s Center to Promote Effective Youth Development. He first met Meg Medina when he was asked to comment on her book as part of a panel for the Virginia Festival of the Book.
“One of the biggest barriers to helping victims of bullying is their reluctance to seek help,” says Cornell–a reluctance born out of fear. “Adults are often blind to the presence of bullying, and our bullying prevention programs often fail to reach students who are in trouble. Medina’s book is a terrific illustration of these problems and has the potential to reach young people who need assistance and otherwise would not receive it.”
Cornell understands that the wording of Medina’s title might be troubling to some parents and teachers, but he hopes that they won’t judge the book by its cover–that they will take the time to read it. “I think [the title] reflects the reality of how many young people speak to one another.” He calls Medina’s book “a good source of insight” for parents and teachers who might not appreciate the way that bullying pervades youth culture, or how limited prevention programs can be.
Praise from Reviewers
In a starred review, Kirkus Reviews called Yaqui Delgado “a nuanced, heart-wrenching and ultimately empowering story about bullying.”
School Library Journal even had a word to say about the book’s cover in its starred review:
Lots of action with a realistic setting, dialogue, relationships, problems, and solutions make this book a winner. The cover–a blue locker with graffiti for the title–will attract reluctant readers. The content will keep them reading to the end and wanting more.
Judging a Book by its Cover
The book’s cover, however, was what Cumberland County school officials were judging. That, and a promotional trailer.
Requests for an interview with Dr. Amy Griffin, Cumberland County Superintendent of Schools, went unanswered. Her only on-the-record comments appear in Richmond Magazine’sblog and a statement that she sent to Richmond television station WRIC, in which Griffin notes concern about the title of Medina’s book and “inappropriate language” used in the promotional trailer.
In the Richmond Magazine blog, Griffin is quoted as saying: “[Medina’s book] really more to me seemed to address high school and inner city.”
One final, tragic note: On September 13, four days before Medina would have given her presentation at Cumberland Middle School, the New York Timesreported on yet another bullying-related suicide. Students had relentlessly taunted and cyber-bullied Rebecca Sedwick, urging her to kill herself. She did as they suggested, jumping to her death from a platform at a cement factory. Rebecca was 12 years old. She lived in Lakeland, Florida. She was in middle school, as were her tormentors.
Just one of the ways the FitBit One greets me after I’ve been away.
Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Boomer Voices program and have been provided with a wireless device and six months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.
You have to love an electronic device that cares enough to remember your name. And you know the relationship is promising when it strives to keep you motivated throughout your weight-loss program without barking like a drill sergeant or Jillian Michaels. For two weeks this month, I’ve dated—er, tested—the FitBit One, an adorable, unassuming little device, no bigger than an eraser, but with the brains of a computer and the heart of a personal trainer who really wants you to do well.
If only an eraser could make those pounds and all that cellulite vanish! —MorgueFile image
My son is getting married in a month. If there’s to be room for the mother of the groom in the dress that I bought, I should lose at least ten pounds before the wedding. As of this writing, I’ve lost six, and I have two trusty tools in my arsenal to thank for this success: the Digest Diet, a variation of which I’ve gone back on (you can read about my earlier success on the diet here) and the FitBit One.
I discovered the FitBit One when I went to Chicago this summer as a guest of Verizon Wireless and the Verizon Boomer Voices program. I assumed we’d be talking about phones, but that was just the half of it. The good people at Verizon Wireless and Motorola trained us not only on the DROID RAZR MAXX HD, but also on the FitBit One. We learned about other Verizon Wireless devices, too, but that’s another story.
You’ve no doubt heard that the path to great health is walking 10,000 steps each day. Well, FitBit has heard about that, too. Any day that you reach that goal (and I reached it…once), FitBit’s screen lights up with a sort of “atta girl!” message.
FitBit is more than a glorified pedometer, though. It tracks how many calories you burn each day and how many flights of stairs you climb. It also translates the number of steps walked into number of miles traveled. It’s genius, however, is in its ability to sync wirelessly with select computers and mobile devices—Mac or PC.
I downloaded the free FitBit APPs for my iPhone, my iPad, and the DROID I’m still testing. Control central, however, is my laptop, which I’m on every morning. There’s a mysterious little device that comes with the FitBit called a “Dongle.” Don’t ask. You plug that into your computer’s USB port, place your FitBit next to it, and it begins to sync. Once finished, you’re directed to log on to the account you’ve set up on FitBit.com. Check your tallies for the day, and you’ll see your stats appear on the site. Place your FitBit next to your mobile device, and it automatically syncs without your having to lift a finger.
There are bits of data you need to record manually. FitBit is not equipped—not yet, anyway—to miraculously determine what food you’ve eaten, how much of it, or when. But if you’re dieting you’re likely to keep a food log anyway; simply use the food log on the FitBit site. The calories are already programmed for many of the foods you are likely to eat, just enter your portions. Unusual items, like homemade, recipe-specific meals (the foods I prepare for the Digest Diet, for example), must be entered manually, but once you’ve done so they’re saved in your list of foods. Simply start typing to enter and the site’s predictive text brings it right up. Click and your entry is logged.
You can also record such activities as swimming, running, and other forms of exercise. And of course, each morning after you’ve weighed yourself, enter that, too.
Finally, if you’ve ever wondered whether you’re really getting a good night’s sleep, FitBit can tell you. Place it in the wristband that came with it, put it on the wrist of your non-dominant hand, and while you are sleeping, the FitBit records how many times you wake up and how long you’ve slumbered, gauging the efficiency of your sleep. It can even wake you up, if you like. And gently. Just set the alarm.
Since a wedding is prompting me to focus on my weight loss and overall physical health, I propose another perfect union: Digest Diet and FitBit should get married. The two together are simply awesome. (And it would be nice to have my favorite Digest Diet recipes already loaded into the device’s algorithms.)
Now that would be a perfect match.
The FitBit One retails for $99.99 and includes a rechargeable battery. Use of the FitBit website is free, but if you want to participate in FitBit Benchmark, an interactive tool that gives you access to the entire FitBit database, allowing you to track your progress against that of other users, you need to pay an annual premium membership fee of $49.99.
What do we talk about when we talk about love? I recently had the honor to participate, via Google Hangout, in a lively panel discussion on the WHOA! Network. I loved talking with these accomplished, thoughtful, and insanely fun women about what it really means to find love at 50-plus. We talked about the lessons of our past relationships. We talked about the exhilaration of discovering that one amazing person who is perfect for us—and our surprise in realizing that person happens not to possess some of the qualities and life experiences we’ve toted around on our preconceived checklist of “must-haves.” We talked about the courage it takes to make a commitment, to upend our lives in order to start a new one with THE ONE.
Lynn Forbes, a co-founder of WHOA!, moderated our chat, which features model and entrepreneur Cindy Joseph and writer Tammy Bleck. You can view the short clip above to eavesdrop on what we had to say, but you can also watch the full conversation right here:
When you marry for the second time—especially later in life—anniversaries become particularly significant: we know that time is fleeting, each milestone is precious, and because life can turn on a dime, so is each day. Each year together is a gift. In August John and I marked our third wedding anniversary. For the last three years (four if you count our courtship), I’m reminded, in the following month, just how fragile the gift of our togetherness is, and the gift of our love. John was supposed to be on the 98th floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Center on the morning of September 11, 2001. And because of a fateful decision, he is here, with me, today.
If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning, please forgive my retelling this story. It’s important to me, each September 11, to republish my original post, which first appeared on the tenth anniversary of that horrific, world-changing day.
Because anniversaries are significant. Because time is fleeting. Because each milestone is precious. Because life can turn on a dime, or on an impulsive decision.
Dedicated to the victims and heroes who died on 9/11, and to those whose lives were forever changed.
Names are so important, aren’t they? Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West was particularly cringe-worthy. (And what happened? Weren’t they going with a K-name? In which case shouldn’t she be called Knorth West?) But to my point: names matter. They are windows into the soul of its subject. Take this recipe, for example. When I clipped it from a newspaper decades ago and typed it on an index card, it was called “Texas Hash.” I no longer remember if the recipe originated from the Lone Star State, but most of the hash recipes I’ve ever seen call for potatoes. There’s nary a spud here! The taste, however, is so reminiscent of my mother’s stuffed peppers (a recipe for which I’ve never found), that I have taken it upon myself to rename the dish. I call it “Unstuffed Peppers.” It’s quick and easy and delicious. Inexpensive, too. Can’t ask for much more in a casserole (or a kasserole), now can you?
Unstuffed Peppers
— Serves 4 to 6
One pound ground beef
Three large onions (about 3-1/2″ diameter), sliced
One large green pepper, chopped
One 28-ounce can whole tomatoes, chopped
One-half cup uncooked rice (I use Basmati)
One to two teaspoons chili powder
Two teaspoons kosher salt
One-eighth teaspoon fresh ground pepper
Heat oven to 350-degrees. In a large skillet, cook and stir the ground beef until light brown. Drain off any fat. (If the beef is particularly lean, cook it in a tablespoon of canola oil.) Add onions and green pepper, cooking and stirring until onion is tender. Stir in the tomatoes (and the juice in the can), the rice, and the seasonings. Heat through.
Pour into an ungreased two-quart casserole. Cover and bake for one hour.
The Midlife Second Wife ™ 