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The Midlife Second Wife ™

~ The Real and True Adventures of Remarriage at Life's Midpoint

The Midlife Second Wife ™

Author Archives: themidlifesecondwife

Outliers of Out-Loving

06 Sunday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, Relationships and Family Life, Remarriage

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Divorce, Love, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlo Thomas, Marriage, Relationship, Wendell Berry

The other day I posted an essay about the secrets to a happy marriage, sharing insights gleaned from a Marlo Thomas/Phil Donahue interview on the actress’ Huffington Post site.

Although John and I are nowhere near the 30-year partnership shared by Thomas and Donahue, it occurs to me that I nevertheless learned a fundamental secret to a happy marriage—or relationship—soon after meeting John. I keep these words close to my heart and even closer to my consciousness, because they map an objective I want to reach every day:

I want to out-love him.

John and I both divorced after long first marriages. We know that the statistics for successful second marriages aren’t great. But we are determined that ours be a union that will not only survive, but thrive. The notion of out-loving one another comes from John. He sets the standard. I just try to catch up.

He learned about out-loving from a premarital counseling class he took, ironically, prior to his first marriage. An older couple, married for decades, was advising the neophytes. The man was asked the secret to a happy marriage. He replied:

I can’t and won’t speak for my wife, but I can tell you my secret to a happy marriage: I just try to out-love her.

Wow. Who was this man? And is it too late to harvest his DNA?

Given the grim statistics of divorce in the U.S., it is apparent that not too many partners are trying to out-love their mates. But John shared this anecdote with me soon after we started dating. And boy, does he live up to it.

I call him an outlier of out-loving, to borrow Malcolm Gladwell’s term. An outlier is one who possesses characteristics outside the norm of the majority. The ability to out-love another can seem as rare as a pink diamond.

I sometimes have to remind myself that this is not a competition. Love—and the gestures, kindnesses, and consideration that stem from love—should come naturally, no? And it does, but to a point, and that point is usually when one partner is over-tired, over-worked, or over-stressed. It is human nature for patience to run ragged. It is human nature to become preoccupied and distracted. It is human nature to sometimes lack mindfulness.

It takes mindfulness to out-love one’s partner. Mindfulness of the bond that holds you close, mindfulness of the trust each of you places in the other, mindfulness of the fragility of life.

My objective in finding my soul-mate was to find the one man whose face was the last thing I want to see before taking my last breath. I’m one of the lucky ones; I found him. At our wedding, my friend, the wonderful poet Lynn Powell, read Wendell Berry’s “The Country of Marriage.” Here is an excerpt:

…                              We are more together
than we know, how else could we keep on discovering
we are more together than we thought?
You are the known way leading always to the unknown,
and you are the known place to which the unknown is always
leading me back. More blessed in you than I know,
I possess nothing worthy to give you, nothing
not belittled by my saying that I possess it.

More than any pink diamond, the gift of John’s love is more precious to me than any possession. I have no idea how many years we will have together, and so I want each day to count. This is especially true, I think, for couples who marry later in life. We are more aware, I think, of our mortality. I therefore want to spend what time we have together out-loving him. Every precious day.

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Sweet Tweets: Of Chocolate and Twitter

05 Saturday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Indulgences

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Candy, Chocolate, Food, Health, Huffington Post, I Love Lucy, NaPloBoMo, Twitter

MorgueFile image

I was thinking about Twitter the other day, and of course that reminded me of chocolate.

You mean it’s not that way for you?

If you’ve ever seen the classic I Love Lucy episode, the one where Lucy and Ethel get a job in a chocolate factory, you’ll know where I’m going with this. The chocolate candies come down the conveyor belt, and the intrepid duo must wrap each piece before it reaches the next stage in the packaging process. Things start out well enough, but the conveyor belt quickly speeds up, and the candies move faster and faster down the line. To Lucy and Ethel’s dismay, many unwrapped chocolates are swiftly making their way past the point of no return. Their martinet of a supervisor will be furious, the girls will lose their jobs, and the only way to avoid catastrophe is to hide the evidence —in their toques, down their uniforms, and in their mouths, as this picture illustrates.

My Twitter feed reminds me of chocolate speeding down a conveyor belt. I want to grab it all (i.e. read each tweet), but it can’t be done. I would have to either monitor my iPhone 24/7, or set other tasks aside to regularly review huge helpings of tweets at one sitting—dipping into a vast candy bowl of information. Other things clamor for my attention. One must sleep and eat. One wants to hug and kiss one’s husband, and otherwise participate in the analog world.

And of course, there’s all the writing and blogging that one must do to meet the November NaBloPoMo challenge.

🙂

So I do the best that I can, assiduously marking the tweets that I want to revisit for closer scrutiny, skimming linked articles with the alacrity of Lucy Ricardo twisting waxed paper on a chocolate, and tweeting or retweeting—lobbing little gifts out into the world that I think you might enjoy.

How do people manage all of this? I’m a late adopter, no question. I’m still learning my way around the Twitterscape. (A blogger called The Late Bloomer Bride wrote one of the best lines I’ve ever read about coming to the party late: “I knew at an early age that I was a late-bloomer.” Good stuff.)

One thing I did adopt early, however, was a love of chocolate. And it was a tweet last month, from the Huffington Post, that gave me the sweetest gift of all: the news that there are health benefits to the rich, dark, decadence that I’ve enjoyed ever since I cut my first tooth.

Huffington Post’s Healthy Living reported on a Swedish study that found a link between high chocolate consumption and a 20-percent decrease in stroke risk among women.

This is not the first report to determine that chocolate, not unlike red wine, can be good for you, and this is not to say we should all make a mad dash to the kids’ Halloween stash as if it were the prescription counter at Walgreen’s. As with all indulgences, moderation is key, especially since chocolate is not a low-calorie, low-fat, low-sugar food item. But if you are thinking of sneaking a bit from their haul, go for the dark chocolate. It’s better for you.

John and I just finished dinner, and will shortly be enjoying chocolate cupcakes for dessert. But if you’re following me on Twitter, you no doubt already know that.

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Secrets of a Successful Marriage: Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue

04 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Relationships and Family Life, Remarriage

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Byron Katie, Huffington Post, Life, Love, MarloThomas, Marriage, Phil Donahue, Remarriage

Marlo Thomas—award-winning actress, author, activist, producer, philanthropist, and social media maven, and Phil Donahue—pioneering television talk-show host, Emmy Award-winner, and writer, put a whole new spin on “meeting cute” when Thomas was a guest on The Phil Donahue Show in 1977. Romantic sparks flew, and wedding bells ensued three years later. It was Thomas’ first marriage and Donahue’s second, effectively making her a midlife second wife. Thirty-one years later, they are still married. What are their secrets for a happy marriage?

Thomas, who has emerged as a formidable presence on the social media scene with a website on the Huffington Post, a Facebook fan page, and more than 19,000 followers on Twitter, recently interviewed her husband for Huff Post’s “Mondays With Marlo.” The premise for the live webcast is brilliant: Several days before a guest is to appear, Thomas invites people to submit questions via her social media sites and then, during the webcast, via a live comment stream. She curates and moderates the questions, presenting them to her guest. To my surprise, she read mine:

Marriage, especially remarriage, represents many things: the renaissance of romantic love, the renewal of hope, the reinvention of each partner. Phil, when you and Marlo got married, how do you think you influenced her reinvention? How did she influence yours?

Charmingly discomfited by this and other personal questions—Donahue is clearly far more comfortable fielding queries about his career, politics, and the Occupy Wall Street movement, for example—he nevertheless attempted a game answer. And Thomas joined in:

Phil: Well, Marlo wants this marriage to succeed. That is very obvious. …It’s really impressive. This is her first marriage, and she’s very proud of that.

Marlo: It’s my last marriage, too. And so how did we reinvent each other? Part of my reinvention was that I wanted to get married to someone. That was new.

Phil: Well, I’ve reinvented. I no longer leave the towel on the floor. I call at night if we’re separated: ‘Hi. You good? Okay.’ That was part of my rehabilitation.

So that’s easy enough to do, wouldn’t you say? Stay connected when apart, and don’t leave the dirty towels on the floor. And I love that Thomas said that her marriage to Donahue is her last marriage. But the secret to a long and happy marriage? That question came from a viewer named Florence. Here’s what they had to say in response:

Phil: Don’t think the worst of your spouse. In other words, I think we go to war not for what is true, but for what we think is true.…Don’t go to war for what you think your spouse is going to do.

Marlo: That’s such good advice, and I have to take it, too.Whenever I think I know exactly what you’re thinking I’m completely wrong. I do think that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

“Don’t think the worst of your spouse.” It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But is it simple to implement?  It is so easy for us to jump to conclusions, or to allow old insecurities and fears to surface, and with them, old ways of interpreting information. Remember the baggage post from last month?

Let’s have someone else weigh in on this.

TIME magazine has called Byron Katie “a spiritual innovator for the new millennium.” A friend told me about her books several years ago. In Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, Katie writes:

It’s not the problem that causes our suffering; it’s our thinking about the problem.

Our thinking. Thinking the worst of our spouse. Thinking that can spiral into problems greater than whatever is at hand. Turning that thinking around is the key to a long, happy, and successful marriage. That, staying connected, and not leaving the wet towels on the bathroom floor.

To view Marlo Thomas’ interview with her husband, Phil Donahue—her special guest on “Mondays With Marlo,” click here.

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You Have to Write to Win

03 Thursday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in The Writing Life

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Blog, BlogHer, NaBloPoMo, National Blog Post Month, Social Media, writing

Ummmm….do you remember the other day, when I posted a blog about posting? You know, the one about the National Blog Posting Month [NaBloPoMo] challenge to write and post a blog each day this month? I said something along these lines:

What motivates a person to write? More specifically, what motivates a pressed-for-time blogger to take on such a commitment during the portal month to the holiday season? I’m rather embarrassed to admit it, but in this case there are prizes involved. Now I’m not saying that I can be had for the price of a free book, but there exists a part of me that thrills to the idea of someone calling my name and handing me something. Lottery winnings, for example. And since we all know that’s never going to happen (well … maybe if I started buying them …), this is as close as I’m likely to get to that rush of adrenalin.

Now, I’m not altogether comfortable quoting myself, but in this case there’s no easy way around it. It’s not that I’ve had to eat my words, exactly. No, it seems that the fine folks at BlogHer liked what they read, because they’ve decided to syndicate the post on their site.

Here’s how it was explained to me in an e-mail yesterday:

It means we want to feature it, moving it from the general well of NaBloPoMo posts onto the front page of NaBloPoMo and give it a little extra social media love.

“Extra social media love?” Yes, please! And thank you!

What, exactly, is BlogHer? It’s a community. It’s also a media company. BlogHer was created in 2005 in partnership with women in social media, and, according to the BlogHer website, it is also the largest community of women who blog, with 27 million unique visitors per month. BlogHer hosts conferences—including the world’s largest conference for women in social media—and the BlogHer Publishing Network.

The icon beneath my headline will direct you to the post as it appears on the BlogHer site, under the title “Why We Write Even When We Have No Time.” BlogHer has featured the essay on its home page as well as the site page for NaBloPoMo. The encomium will be followed by a modest check, presented in the spirit that writers should be paid for their work.

Although I’ve been writing for nearly 30 years (51 if you count the time I learned how to write my name), I’ve only been blogging for less than three months. For that reason, being chosen for syndication by BlogHer comes as a surprise, albeit a wonderful one, and I am deeply and truly honored by their validation of my work.

Now you’ll have to excuse me. I’m going out to buy a lottery ticket, because, as I’ve learned, you can’t win if you don’t play. And especially if you don’t write. Although, as Shakespeare reminds us, “the play’s the thing.”

And, I might add, so is the writing.

To the editors at BlogHer, my sincere and joyous thanks!

For more information about BlogHer, please click here.

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Sally Field of Greens

02 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Food for Thought

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Tags

Cooking, Daniel Day-Lewis, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Food, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, recipes, Salads, Sally Field, Steven Spielberg

The stars are out here in Richmond, Virginia, where filming got underway last month for Lincoln, directed and co-produced by Academy Award-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg. The film, based on Doris Kearns Goodwin’s book Team of Rivals, stars Academy Award winners Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln and Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln. And although I haven’t seen any bold-face names yet, John and I did have a bite to eat last Sunday at Lift Coffee Shop & Café, which features such charming additions to its menu as a HAM-iel Day Lewis sandwich (grilled on sourdough bread with ham, pineapple, and provolone, and topped with honey and barbecue sauce); a delicious BLT—the Joseph Gordon Lettuce—named in honor of actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who portrays Robert Todd Lincoln; and a tasty-looking salad, the Sally Field of Greens. Lift also serves up a wonderful cup of coffee.

My thanks to Stephanie Garnett, manager of Lift, for her generosity in sharing this recipe with The Midlife Second Wife!

For more information about film production in Virginia, please visit the website for the Virginia Film Office.

Sally Field of Greens
Serves 2

1 package field greens or spring mix, washed and dried
3 ounces diced ripe pear (peeled)
2 ounces Craisins
1-1/2 ounces crumbled Gorgonzola cheese
Balsamic vinaigrette
Crumbled Gorgonzola

Fill a salad bowl with the greens. Toss with pear, Craisins, and 1-1/2 ounces of crumbled Gorgonzola. Drizzle with Balsamic vinaigrette and top with additional crumbled Gorgonzola.


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Why We Write Even When We Have No Time

01 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in The Writing Life

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

blogging, Joan Didion, NaBloPoMo, writing

NaBloPoMo 2011

I’ll tell you. The things you learn when you begin blogging.

November, it appears, is National Blog Posting Month, or, in blogging lingo, NaBloPoMo. Well, at least it is on a site known as BlogHer. For those like me who are new to this wondrous phenomenon, BlogHer is a rich and robust destination on the Web where women who blog (and the men who love them?) can find inspiration, community, and, it appears, nifty badges like the one shown above.

About this badge. I’m going to try and earn its keep on my own blog this month by making an effort to post something every day. Yes, you heard me. Every. Day. This. Month. This is an ambitious undertaking because, as we all know, November in America features that delectable holiday of food and gratitude, Thanksgiving. This is immediately followed by the chaos known to American retail commerce as Black Friday. Oh, and I’m starting two fairly substantial freelance projects in November.

Madness, indeed. Believe it or not, I had planned on writing this week to tell you that I would be curtailing my postings, reducing my output from three to two missives weekly while I turn my attention to my freelance work. Hah!

Did you hear that? We make plans, and God laughs.

What motivates a person to write? More specifically, what motivates a pressed-for-time blogger to take on such a commitment during the portal month to the holiday season? I’m rather embarrassed to admit it, but in this case there are prizes involved. Now I’m not saying that I can be had for the price of a free book, but there exists a part of me that thrills to the idea of someone calling my name and handing me something. Lottery winnings, for example. And since we all know that’s never going to happen (well … maybe if I started buying them …), this is as close as I’m likely to get to that rush of adrenalin.

Oh yes. And there is the matter of the creative process. Each day BlogHer will post a  NaBloPoMo “writing prompt,” a question designed to stoke the imaginative engine. Today the question is:

What is your favourite part about writing?

(Apparently the person who drafted this question is Canadian. Can I hear a huzzah from my readers up in Canada?)

My favorite part about writing, aside from affixing the final period to an essay or article, is the roll-up-your-sleeves hard work of it all. Paradoxically, that’s the part I also love the least. And yet … I love the way that I manage to disappear into the world of whatever it is I’m writing, whether it’s a poem or prose. It’s a world that I am creating and one that I alone am responsible for ordering, so I consider it a grave assignment, even when I’m writing something that I hope will elicit a laugh or a smile.

It is also a world of play. I love to play with language, with words and their sounds, which is probably why I began my writing life as a poet. One of the first college textbooks I ever bought was called Sound and Sense: An Introduction to Poetry. I loved it then, and I love it still. It’s actually to the right of me now, on my bookshelf. I love the fact that editor Laurence Perrine chose to give primacy to the word sound. Sense will come, but later. For me, sound has always been the lure that will bring me ’round to my senses.

I’ve always thought of writing as thinking on paper. To this day, if I want to learn something, I write about it. It used to be that I wrote poems to understand philosophy or history. Or other poems. It’s no surprise, then, that this method would evolve to the point where I am writing a blog to further my education—an education about a life. Mine. And every bit as important as exercising the life of the mind.

Joan Didion, in her 1976 New York Times Magazine essay, “Why I Write,” explains why she stole George Orwell’s title:

Of course I stole the title … from George Orwell. One reason I stole it was that I like the sound of the words: Why I Write. There you have three short unambiguous words that share a sound, and the sound they share is this:

I

I

I

Far be it from me to compare myself to the glorious Joan Didion, but I understand her meaning here. One of the ways in which we differ, though, is the fact that while she views writing as an act of imposing oneself upon other people by the act of saying “I,” I tend to see the act of writing as an imposition of one’s “eye.” I have an eye on the world. (For this reason I have always loved the title of the Christopher Isherwood play, I Am a Camera.)

It makes me happy to observe and explore my subject from various angles—lit by language—and present it to you, my reader. I’m far more comfortable with the “eye” of writing than I am with the “I.” Perhaps this is one reason why it’s taken me until now to make this very real commitment to a writing life.

Writing one post a day might strengthen that commitment. Who knows? We can hope …

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Another 7 Billion People Just Got Off of the Train. Can They Afford the Fare?

31 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, Money Matters

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

7 Billion People, AARP, Jane Bryant Quinn, Personal Finances, Retirement, Social Security

Remember this date—October 31, 2011, for on this day a child was born—the 7 billionth person on the planet, in the Philippines.

And, as reported today in the Washington Post, the world is not just growing. It’s growing gray.

The aging of the human race has been faster than anyone could have imagined a few decades ago. Fertility rates have plunged globally; simultaneously, life spans have increased. The result is a re-contoured age graph: The pyramid, once with a tiny number of old folks at the peak and a broad foundation of children, is inverting. In wealthy countries, the graph already has a pronounced middle-age spread.

The implications for those living in the United States are already being felt, especially among members of my generation. We baby-boomers, the generation born between 1946 and 1964, are enjoying longer life-expectancies, thanks to improvements in nutrition and the miracles of modern medicine. The number of Americans age 60 to 64 jumped from 11 million to 17 million, according to the most recent census. But consider this: if we’re living longer, chances are we’ll also be working longer.

The Washington Post article notes that when Social Security was established in 1935, life expectancy in the United States was just under 62 years. Today it is 78 and rising. But before I write another word about Social Security, I should take a deep breath, tell myself not to hyperventilate, and instead refer to Jane Bryant Quinn’s new article on the AARP website: “The Truth About Social Security Myths.”

Okay. I feel much better already. Especially after reading Myth-Buster Number 1:

Myth No. 1: Social Security is going bankrupt. No, it’s not. Even in the unlikely event that nothing changes and the program’s entire surplus runs out in 2036, as projected, checks would keep coming. Payroll taxes at current rates would cover 77 percent of all the future benefits promised. That’s true for young and old alike, and includes inflation adjustments.

I trust Quinn implicitly; I’ve referred to her book, Making the Most of Your Money, for years, and see that  a new edition,”revised for the new economy,” is now available.

Michelle Singletary, a columnist for the Washington Post, noted earlier this year what those of us slouching toward our 60s already know: you can take an early payout from Social Security at 62, but you’ll get far less than you would if you wait until you’re 70, when you qualify for the maximum payout. One useful tool that she recommends is the AARP online calculator, which helps one estimate Social Security benefits and the best time to begin claiming them.

And although I’m not frantic about the solvency of Social Security, I’m also not in any great hurry to get bad news. I began my career late in life—I was in my 30s when I started to earn in earnest—and, as I’ve noted earlier on this blog, I retired (but in name only) after nearly 20 years on the job in order to relocate. It’s no surprise, then, that money matters are weighing somewhat heavily on my mind. Retirement? Is it only a dream? And a fading one at that?

Do we all really want to work into our 70s? It would be nice not to have to, but quite frankly, I think that I’m fine with it, as long as I would be able to work at what I love. In fact, I couldn’t imagine not working at what I love. If I’m fortunate enough to make my living by my pen and keyboard, and if I can do that from the comfort of my own home and in my fluffy slippers, then why not? The new normal for me has changed, as it has for everyone in this economy. But the thing is, it would be nice to have a choice. And it would be nice for my husband, who works incredibly hard, to know he could look forward to a winding down and a slowing pace in the next 10 years or so. We got such a late start on our lives together; it would be nice to be able to enjoy the years that we have.

And so. We’ve started meeting with a financial adviser. With her guidance, and with some of the tools I’ve noted here, we will most definitely be taking a proactive approach to all of these money matters. I also plan to share some of her expertise with you in an upcoming Monday Morning Q & A, so please watch for that.

In the meantime, Happy Birthday to the little babe in the Philippines. Welcome to the world.

About the video: Pamela Myers singing “Another 100 People” from Stephen Sondheim’s Company, one of my favorite musicals. This footage, found on YouTube, is from filmmaker D.A. Pennebaker’s 1970 documentary about the making of the original Broadway cast album.

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Take 2: I Blog, Therefore I Am

28 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Money Matters, The Writing Life

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

blogging, Economy, Jobs, Life, Second Acts, Second Chances, writing

MorgueFile Image

So many people have asked me why I started writing a blog that it made sense to include the query in TMSW’s Frequently Asked Questions. (You’ll see a link to FAQs at the top of this page.) It’s taken me until now, however, to drum up the courage to answer the question publicly. Like so many of the events of these past 14 months—my remarriage, my nominal retirement, my relocation—this blog represents my second act. If my life were a movie, this would be “Take 2.” And as long as I’m on a roll with the “re” prefix and the film metaphor, I guess I could call the act of starting a blog a rewrite. I am literally rewriting my career, and, in so doing, I am rewriting a substantial portion of the life I have yet to live. You see, I thought it would be easy to leave the great job that I had in Ohio and slide right into something comparable down here in Richmond—a swift, smooth, lateral move. I applied for several positions, was a finalist for two, and, for one of them, could have sworn I’d be bringing home a paycheck. I was wrong.

This is tough to admit, given the wonderful successes of my Ohio career—and even tougher to experience, especially in this economy. It was (here come those two leading letters again), rejection. And rejection hurts. I could speculate on whether it was my age, or the fact that I’m a newcomer-Yankee in a Southern, relationship-based town, that resulted in my rejection, but I’ve come to realize that none of that really matters now. This is the way things happened to shake out for me. What does matter is that I’d bloody well better get on with something, because the curtain is clearly going up on my second act and I’d better know my lines. I want to make the most of this—it’s an opportunity for (are you ready? am I?) reinvention. Also, there are bills to pay. And, if we’re lucky, real retirement to plan for.

L., a follower of the blog, commented earlier this month:

While I end my 25 years working for the same company which is closing and laid off everyone recently-my last day will be Friday – it has been entertaining to read your blogs each day with some funny happy things to distract me from the next chapter that I will be facing , finding a new job! So congratulations to you.

It’s tough out there for many of us. It hurts to hear of yet another person out of a job. John and I have our own personal experience with this, which I’ll share, with his blessing, in a future post. At this juncture, it might be helpful for L. and others to know that there are some amazing and smart books, blogs, and websites here on the other side of the looking glass. I’ve discovered most of these since starting TMSW, and have been bookmarking and list-making like mad for the time when I’ll have the time to give them all a careful perusal. For now, here’s a non-comprehensive list:

Websites
Second Act, an online destination published by Entrepreneur Media
AARP, The Magazine
The Legacy Project: Lessons for Living from the Wisest Americans
Marlo Thomas (Yes. That Girl. Author, Actress, Producer, Philanthropist. She’s Free to Be … in Social Media, and you can find her on the Huffington Post.)

Books and Writers
Kerry Hannon
, Author of What’s Next? Follow Your Passion and Find Your Dream Job
Bruce Frankel, Author of What Should I Do with the Rest of My Life?
Marci Alboher, Author of One Person/Multiple Careers
Michelle V. Rafter, Journalist
Denise Kiernan, Journalist and Producer

As for what L. wrote about finding entertainment in the “funny happy” things on my blog? Well, this particular post, maybe not so much. It’s not feeling like a real knee-slapper to me. But that’s life, no? There are dark corners; sometimes we try to find the funny and the happy to light our way out of them. Or sometimes we just start writing.

And that is (one) answer to “Why the blog?” Here are some others:

  1. Because I’m not trained to do anything else, or at least no one has hired me to do what I was trained for.
  2. Because I love to write.
  3. Because I can write. And because sometimes I think that all I can do is write.
  4. Because it’s time to get serious about getting back to my writing dream.
  5. Because I still have so much to learn.
  6. Because I want to feel useful, and be of use to others.
  7. Because I want to contribute financially to our marriage and to our future.
  8. Because maybe something will come of this blogging business.
  9. Because sometimes it feels as though I’m on to something. Or maybe it’s just gas.
  10. Because … maybe … because maybe it’s my time.

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For Those Having Trouble With the Soup Link …

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Food for Thought

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Food, Recipe, Soups

Dear friends,

Some of you might be having trouble linking to the post for Chef Tom Valenti’s Ham Hock and Split Pea Soup recipe. My apologies. I’ve been having trouble with my Flickr account, which is my current repository for gallery photos.

Clicking on the embedded link should take you directly to it. And here’s a short link if you’d like to kick it old-school by pasting this into your browser:

Tom Valenti’s Ham Hock and Split Pea Soup

Sorry for any inconvenience.

Love,

The Midlife Second Wife

p.s. to Flickr: As soon as I can afford it, I’m leaving you for Aperture.

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Tom Valenti’s Ham Hock and Split Pea Soup

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Food for Thought

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Tags

Cooking, recipes, Soups, Split Pea Soup

SplitPeaHam_0801SplitPeaSmallDice_0797SplitPeaPeas_0800SplitPeaGarlic_0798
SoakingPeas_0796SplitPeaAddingStock_0802
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The Midlife Second Wife’s photostream on Flickr.

Several years ago, I purchased a wonderful cookbook, Soups, Stews, and One-Pot Meals. The book’s co-author, chef Tom Valenti, is acclaimed in the food world for his two New York City restaurants, Ouest and ‘Cesca; the praise of such redoubtable food critics as Ruth Reichl and Gael Greene; being named one of the country’s “Ten Best Chefs” by Food & Wine magazine; and his four cookbooks, to list just a few reasons. Chef Valenti is also a humanitarian and philanthropist—CNN deemed him a “national hero” for establishing Windows of Hope, a nonprofit organization that provided aid to the families of food-service workers killed during the World Trade Center attack on September 11.

He’s also one heck of a nice guy.

In my kitchen, the advent of autumn is meaningless unless I prepare Chef Valenti’s Ham Hock and Split Pea Soup to herald its arrival, and I make it religiously throughout the winter. Indeed, the very act of creating this soup is akin to a religious act for me—using my chef’s knife to render the vegetables into the “small dice” he requires, sautéeing the aromatic ingredients, tossing the fragrant marjoram into the pot…the entire process is a comforting series of rituals, and the result yields one of my favorite comfort foods. I wanted to share the recipe with you here, but not without his permission. I sent my request to the e-mail address on the website for Ouest, and then turned my attention to the business of downloading the iOS5 software for my iPhone—a process that took about two hours. When things were back up and running, I rather hoped to see an e-mail reply from one of Chef Valenti’s employees, but the e-mail cupboard was bare. What I did notice, however, was a voice message alerting me to a call I’d missed while my iPhone was out-of-pocket. Chef Tom Valenti took the time to telephone me, leaving a message giving me his permission to publish the recipe on The Midlife Second Wife.

Yes. A heck of a nice guy. And one phenomenal chef with a great recipe for split pea soup. I like to serve this with a crusty French baguette and a hearty cheddar cheese. Enjoy!

HAM HOCK AND SPLIT PEA SOUP
by Tom Valenti and Andrew Friedman
from Tom Valenti’s Soups, Stews, and One-Pot Meals
(Scribner, 2003)

Serves 6

2 cups green split peas, picked through, small stones discarded
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 large carrot, peeled and cut into small dice
1 medium Spanish onion, peeled and cut into small dice
1 stalk celery, cut into small dice
Coarse salt (I use Kosher salt)
Freshly ground black pepper
Sugar
1 large clove garlic, smashed and peeled
1 bay leaf
3 sprigs marjoram or thyme
2 quarts store-bought, reduced-sodium vegetable or chicken broth, homemade   Vegetable or Chicken Stock (page 244 of Valenti’s book), or a combination.
2 pounds smoked ham hocks
Extra-virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons fresh thyme leaves or Garlic Croutons (page 233 of Valenti’s book), optional

1. Put the split peas in a bowl and cover with cold water. Set aside.
2. Heat the oil in a large, heavy-bottomed pot over medium heat until hot but not smoking. Add the carrot, onion, and celery; season with salt, pepper, and a pinch of sugar; and cook, stirring, until the vegetables soften, 5 to 7 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for another 2 minutes.
3. Drain the split peas and add them to the pot. Add the bay leaf, marjoram, broth, and ham hocks. Give a good stir and bring the liquid to a boil over high heat, continuing to stir to keep the peas from scorching. Lower the heat, cover, and simmer for 1 hour.
4. Use tongs or a slotted spoon to remove the ham hocks from the pot. Set them aside on a plate. Cook the soup for 30 minutes longer, or until the peas and other vegetables have completely broken down and the soup has thickened considerably. If it becomes too thick, add more stock or water (see note).
5. While the soup is simmering, and as soon as the ham hocks have cooled enough to work with, use your hands to remove the meat from the bones, shredding it as you work. There won’t be a lot of it, but what is there is very flavorful. Set the meat aside.
6. When the soup is done, use tongs or a spoon to remove and discard the bay leaf and marjoram springs. Taste and correct seasoning, bearing in mind that the bits of ham are salty. Add the reserved ham to the pot. If not serving immediately, let cool, cover, and refrigerate for a few days or freeze for up to 1 month. Reheat before proceeding.
7. To serve, ladle the soup into individual bowls and drizzle with extra-virgin olive oil. Scatter some thyme leaves over each serving, if desired, or float a garlic crouton on top of each bowl.

Tom Valenti note:
A lot of American cooks are unfamiliar with ham hocks, even though they’re a staple in the South. I first discovered them as a child when my grandmother took me along on her excursions to the supermarket. While she stood talking to the butcher, my eye would wander over to the refrigerated meats section. For the longest time, I didn’t even ask what these funny-looking, prewrapped, precooked, brown things were, but in time I learned that they were smoked ham hocks. They’ve become one of my favorite incarnations of pork. They’re user-friendly and have great utility. They also give off a lot of natural gelatin, which acts as a subtle thickening agent, adding body to soups
and sauces.

Recipe © 2003 Tom Valenti. All rights reserved.

A Note About Garlic From TMSW:
It’s time that we had a talk here on the blog about garlic. I’ve been meaning to bring this up for some while. It’s the rare recipe in our household that doesn’t call for garlic, and not just because I’m Lebanese and Sicilian. I love everything about cooking with garlic: the way it flavors a dish, its aromatic properties, and the little ritual I perform each time I use it, which is what I want to discuss with you. (No. It has nothing to do with halitosis. If you like, that’s an issue we can address when I introduce a beauty and grooming department on the blog.)

Back in the seventies, before I was a YoungLifeFirstWife, I worked with a woman who, by day, was a court stenographer. But by night, she was an amateur gourmet cook—a fabulous one. Although I was barely 20, she must have seen some sort of cooking glimmer in my eye, for she began sharing some of her recipes with me. A few of them called for garlic, and it was at this juncture that she shared with me her secret for avoiding the heartburn that people sometimes suffer after ingesting the pungent, herbal bulb
.

“Take your garlic clove and slice it lengthwise down the middle,” Aldona advised. “You’ll see a pale green shoot, which is actually the root of the allium.” (A highly intellectual cook, she never missed an opportunity to further my education.)


“Pry this slender root out of each half of the garlic and throw it away. That root is the source of heartburn. Do this, and you’ll never have an unfortunate reaction to eating food prepared with garlic.”


I was far too young and inexperienced to know that my future would contain recipes calling for either the entire head of garlic, or whole cloves—unminced, unchopped, or unpressed. For recipes such as those, I throw caution to the winds. I never have had a case of heartburn from eating garlic-infused dishes, either, so I’m thinking that I fortified my system all these years—sort of like creating an allium armor—by removing the root at every reasonable opportunity.

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