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The Midlife Second Wife ™

~ The Real and True Adventures of Remarriage at Life's Midpoint

The Midlife Second Wife ™

Category Archives: Midpoints

To the Middle and Beyond! (What Will We Do with Longevity?)

28 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, The Healthy Life

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Boomer Project, boomers, Life, middle-age, midlife, the 60s generation

All right, it’s time for a reality check. Unless I live to be 110, I’m technically past my midlife shelf life—so far over the rainbow as to be nearly under it. (But what was I going to call this blog, anyway? The Over-the-Hill Second Wife? The Old Second Wife? To Infinity and Beyond with the Midlife Second Wife? These are hardly euphonious, and the first two less than complimentary.) I was reminded—painfully—of the disparity between my chronological age (55) and a more accurate midpoint (say, 40 or so), this morning while catching up on my local newspaper reading. The Richmond Times-Dispatch runs a monthly column, “Viva the Vital!” by a boomer named Matt Thornhill; he’s president of the Boomer Project, based here in my adopted hometown. The Boomer Project provides advice and information about our robust demographic to organizations and corporations. For example, did you know that we Boomers and our elders spend $3.5 trillion dollars annually on goods and services? But back to Thornhill and his Thanksgiving Day column. He started things off with a quote by comedienne Rosanne Barr, who said: “C’mon, I ain’t living to age 106, so I am waaay past the halfway point.”

Ouch. Thanks, Rosanne. Thanks, Matt. No, really—thanks. Because this got me thinking—always a good exercise when writing a blog.

Many of us in our 50s and 60s don’t feel old. Do we? And if we’re careful and follow all of the good advice out there, Thornhill reminds us that thanks to the miracle of modern medicine and technologies, the new normal is such that we could very well live—and live well—into our 80s and beyond. And if such is the case, we’ve got a good 20 to 30 years to fill.

It’s nice to have the extra time. But what are we going to do with it?

Thornhill writes that he and his colleagues at the Boomer Project “believe that boomers are going to fulfill their ‘promise’ as a generation by individually living out their own personal promise or agenda.” You might recall that ours is the generation that intended to change the status quo in the 1960s. Thornhill quotes Tom Brokaw, who famously chronicled our generational predecessors in The Greatest Generation. Apparently Brokaw thinks that we baby boomers squandered our opportunity to make a lasting, positive difference in the world.

I’m happy to read that Thornhill disagrees with Brokaw’s assessment. And here’s where we can take up the challenge. If you believe, as Thornhill does, that we still have the opportunity, in the next 20 years, to apply “our collective wisdom and experience from our ever-increasing trips around the sun, [then] our legacy as a generation is in front of us.” We can effect positive change on “companies, organizations, governments, each other and other generations,” as long as we “live our promise.” And Thornhill believes that it is our personal promises, as boomers, that will make the difference; he predicts that most of them will be outwardly focused.

What is your promise—to yourself, your family, your community? I’ve already made one or two—and I should mention that these are nothing like New Year’s resolutions. When the opportunity is appropriate, I’ll share my promise on the blog. But I would love to know what the boomers among you think:

Did we, as a generation, blow our chance to leave a lasting and positive legacy? Or is the best, as Frank Sinatra sang, yet to come?

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Homeward Bound: A Visit to the Flight 93 National Memorial

26 Saturday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, Transitions

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Flight 93 National Memorial, September 11 attacks, Shanksville Pennsylvania, United Airlines Flight 93, United States Capitol

Ten years, two months, and 26 days ago, 33 passengers and seven crew members of United Airlines Flight 93 were flying to San Francisco. For some of them, San Francisco was home; for others, it was a business destination or a layover en route elsewhere. We know, of course, what happened that day: none of them reached their various destinations. On our way home, following a Thanksgiving gathering with our children, John and I took a brief detour on the drive through Pennsylvania to the rural hamlet of Shanksville. We wanted to pay our respects to those souls lost when the hijacked plane went down in an open field, following the valiant efforts of many passengers and crew members. Those heroic people very likely saved the U.S. Capitol from a terrorist attack on that devastating day of tragedy. The Flight 93 National Memorial, if you have yet to make the pilgrimage, is a place like no other. I have not yet collected my thoughts about the experience; all I can tell you is that my heart was literally heavy as we drove the long, winding road toward the memorial marking the site. I took a few pictures, and, for now, will let them speak for me. We are home and glad to be home, and mindful of those who were unable to complete their journeys.

The marble slabs, engraved with the names of the victims, mark Flight 93's flight path before it crashed.

A broad-planked wooden gate separates the memorial from the boulder which marks the crash site.

Related articles
  • Flight 93 Memorial: Nation Honors, Thanks Passengers’, Crew’s ‘Let’s Roll’ (ibtimes.com)

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Outliers of Out-Loving

06 Sunday Nov 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, Relationships and Family Life, Remarriage

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Divorce, Love, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlo Thomas, Marriage, Relationship, Wendell Berry

The other day I posted an essay about the secrets to a happy marriage, sharing insights gleaned from a Marlo Thomas/Phil Donahue interview on the actress’ Huffington Post site.

Although John and I are nowhere near the 30-year partnership shared by Thomas and Donahue, it occurs to me that I nevertheless learned a fundamental secret to a happy marriage—or relationship—soon after meeting John. I keep these words close to my heart and even closer to my consciousness, because they map an objective I want to reach every day:

I want to out-love him.

John and I both divorced after long first marriages. We know that the statistics for successful second marriages aren’t great. But we are determined that ours be a union that will not only survive, but thrive. The notion of out-loving one another comes from John. He sets the standard. I just try to catch up.

He learned about out-loving from a premarital counseling class he took, ironically, prior to his first marriage. An older couple, married for decades, was advising the neophytes. The man was asked the secret to a happy marriage. He replied:

I can’t and won’t speak for my wife, but I can tell you my secret to a happy marriage: I just try to out-love her.

Wow. Who was this man? And is it too late to harvest his DNA?

Given the grim statistics of divorce in the U.S., it is apparent that not too many partners are trying to out-love their mates. But John shared this anecdote with me soon after we started dating. And boy, does he live up to it.

I call him an outlier of out-loving, to borrow Malcolm Gladwell’s term. An outlier is one who possesses characteristics outside the norm of the majority. The ability to out-love another can seem as rare as a pink diamond.

I sometimes have to remind myself that this is not a competition. Love—and the gestures, kindnesses, and consideration that stem from love—should come naturally, no? And it does, but to a point, and that point is usually when one partner is over-tired, over-worked, or over-stressed. It is human nature for patience to run ragged. It is human nature to become preoccupied and distracted. It is human nature to sometimes lack mindfulness.

It takes mindfulness to out-love one’s partner. Mindfulness of the bond that holds you close, mindfulness of the trust each of you places in the other, mindfulness of the fragility of life.

My objective in finding my soul-mate was to find the one man whose face was the last thing I want to see before taking my last breath. I’m one of the lucky ones; I found him. At our wedding, my friend, the wonderful poet Lynn Powell, read Wendell Berry’s “The Country of Marriage.” Here is an excerpt:

…                              We are more together
than we know, how else could we keep on discovering
we are more together than we thought?
You are the known way leading always to the unknown,
and you are the known place to which the unknown is always
leading me back. More blessed in you than I know,
I possess nothing worthy to give you, nothing
not belittled by my saying that I possess it.

More than any pink diamond, the gift of John’s love is more precious to me than any possession. I have no idea how many years we will have together, and so I want each day to count. This is especially true, I think, for couples who marry later in life. We are more aware, I think, of our mortality. I therefore want to spend what time we have together out-loving him. Every precious day.

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Another 7 Billion People Just Got Off of the Train. Can They Afford the Fare?

31 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, Money Matters

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

7 Billion People, AARP, Jane Bryant Quinn, Personal Finances, Retirement, Social Security

Remember this date—October 31, 2011, for on this day a child was born—the 7 billionth person on the planet, in the Philippines.

And, as reported today in the Washington Post, the world is not just growing. It’s growing gray.

The aging of the human race has been faster than anyone could have imagined a few decades ago. Fertility rates have plunged globally; simultaneously, life spans have increased. The result is a re-contoured age graph: The pyramid, once with a tiny number of old folks at the peak and a broad foundation of children, is inverting. In wealthy countries, the graph already has a pronounced middle-age spread.

The implications for those living in the United States are already being felt, especially among members of my generation. We baby-boomers, the generation born between 1946 and 1964, are enjoying longer life-expectancies, thanks to improvements in nutrition and the miracles of modern medicine. The number of Americans age 60 to 64 jumped from 11 million to 17 million, according to the most recent census. But consider this: if we’re living longer, chances are we’ll also be working longer.

The Washington Post article notes that when Social Security was established in 1935, life expectancy in the United States was just under 62 years. Today it is 78 and rising. But before I write another word about Social Security, I should take a deep breath, tell myself not to hyperventilate, and instead refer to Jane Bryant Quinn’s new article on the AARP website: “The Truth About Social Security Myths.”

Okay. I feel much better already. Especially after reading Myth-Buster Number 1:

Myth No. 1: Social Security is going bankrupt. No, it’s not. Even in the unlikely event that nothing changes and the program’s entire surplus runs out in 2036, as projected, checks would keep coming. Payroll taxes at current rates would cover 77 percent of all the future benefits promised. That’s true for young and old alike, and includes inflation adjustments.

I trust Quinn implicitly; I’ve referred to her book, Making the Most of Your Money, for years, and see that  a new edition,”revised for the new economy,” is now available.

Michelle Singletary, a columnist for the Washington Post, noted earlier this year what those of us slouching toward our 60s already know: you can take an early payout from Social Security at 62, but you’ll get far less than you would if you wait until you’re 70, when you qualify for the maximum payout. One useful tool that she recommends is the AARP online calculator, which helps one estimate Social Security benefits and the best time to begin claiming them.

And although I’m not frantic about the solvency of Social Security, I’m also not in any great hurry to get bad news. I began my career late in life—I was in my 30s when I started to earn in earnest—and, as I’ve noted earlier on this blog, I retired (but in name only) after nearly 20 years on the job in order to relocate. It’s no surprise, then, that money matters are weighing somewhat heavily on my mind. Retirement? Is it only a dream? And a fading one at that?

Do we all really want to work into our 70s? It would be nice not to have to, but quite frankly, I think that I’m fine with it, as long as I would be able to work at what I love. In fact, I couldn’t imagine not working at what I love. If I’m fortunate enough to make my living by my pen and keyboard, and if I can do that from the comfort of my own home and in my fluffy slippers, then why not? The new normal for me has changed, as it has for everyone in this economy. But the thing is, it would be nice to have a choice. And it would be nice for my husband, who works incredibly hard, to know he could look forward to a winding down and a slowing pace in the next 10 years or so. We got such a late start on our lives together; it would be nice to be able to enjoy the years that we have.

And so. We’ve started meeting with a financial adviser. With her guidance, and with some of the tools I’ve noted here, we will most definitely be taking a proactive approach to all of these money matters. I also plan to share some of her expertise with you in an upcoming Monday Morning Q & A, so please watch for that.

In the meantime, Happy Birthday to the little babe in the Philippines. Welcome to the world.

About the video: Pamela Myers singing “Another 100 People” from Stephen Sondheim’s Company, one of my favorite musicals. This footage, found on YouTube, is from filmmaker D.A. Pennebaker’s 1970 documentary about the making of the original Broadway cast album.

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What’s Baggage Got To Do With It?

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by themidlifesecondwife in Midpoints, Relationships and Family Life

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

baggage, Love, Relationships and Family Life, second marriages, Wendy Swallow

MorgueFile Image

Baggage. It can ruin a spirit just as easily as it can ruin a back. We carry so much of it throughout our lives, but never more so than when we chart a different course, at the intersection where middle age meets true love.

To get remarried at life’s midpoint is to start life as a grown-up all over again. What takes some of the fear and sting out of starting over from scratch is, paradoxically,  some of the baggage that we carry. That which has influenced us, marked us, and wounded us has also taught us. We have a glowing map this time around, whereas the first time some of us might have been driving in the dark, without any headlights on.

We have, in short, been forewarned.

The baggage metaphor springs today from that most pedestrian of pursuits: travel. I am writing this from the middle seat of the mid-section of a United Airlines flight to Orange County, California. I am multitasking, engaging my transversus abdominus the way that Dr. Amanda Miller taught me, so that all the bags I’ve just schlepped while walking down the endless airport corridors won’t wreak havoc on my lower back, and ruin my six sunny days in Southern California.

I’m thinking of baggage because, while I’m in California, I’m going to revisit a book that I read during my engagement to John. If you’ve been following this blog from the beginning, you’ll remember an article I wrote for the Richmond Times-Dispatch about online dating, and how I met John. In the article, I referenced a wonderful memoir of remarriage called The Triumph of Love Over Experience. The woman who wrote the book, Wendy Swallow, shared this stunning insight:

The single most important thing to making a marriage work is the ability of each party to tolerate the neuroses of the other. If you’re going to make it for the long haul, you’re going to have to learn to live with those neuroses. In fact, you’re going to have to learn to embrace them.

John and I like to think that we hug one another’s neuroses at least as often as we hug one another. We each possess a fairly sophisticated baggage-ometer, and can ferret out subtext pretty well, knowing when it’s time to give the other an extra mite of space. Or a strategically-timed hug.

Wendy Swallow will be my guest for an upcoming “Monday Morning Q & A,” so while I’m in California I’ll be doing my homework—re-reading her book with the vantage point of a full year of (re)marriage under my belt, and thinking about what I want to ask her.

One of my readers wrote me the following:

I’m not in midlife (not admittingly) and not a second wife, but I’m having thoughts and fears of a second marriage. I’m 43 (admitting it) and said that I would never remarry, but I have recently found someone who I would consider marrying and I’m scared as hell!

For this reader, I’ll formulate a question for Wendy. Is there anything you’d like me to ask her? If so, please send them to me at:

marci.keyword@gmail.com

Gotta run. The Southern California sunshine is calling me!

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